Urban legends abound about how to beat a drug test. Today, so many products and websites are ready to pocket your money by persuading you that they have the secret sauce to help you magically test negative. Users who desperately need a negative test result in order to get a job (or to stay out of prison, or to maintain visitation rights to the kids) are understandably easy prey for these modern day snake oil purveyors. The products have alluring names like, “Definite Detox,” “Assured Cleanse,” and “Total Guardian.” The fact is, drug testing myths remain some of the most widely believed fantasies, even among highly educated people and professional companies. What is it about drug testing that causes intelligent people to think preposterous notions are true, without ever checking the facts?
The GNC Flush
Ok, let’s get right to my favorite myth. I hear it all the time from otherwise smart adults when I tell them I do drug testing for a living. They always come back at me with, “Can’t you just buy one of those drinks at GNC and beat the test?”
Oh yeah, because GNC is known for accurate statements on its products, and they always work exactly as promised. Want more energy, better sleep, bigger muscles, and a trim belly? Just drink this shake! Never mind that the FDA doesn’t approve any of it, nor does the science ever bear it out. Never mind that if the advertised benefits of GNC products were always true, the whole nation would be slim, muscular, and bounding with unlimited energy. The only thing I don’t understand is why none of these guys are ever sued for false advertising. If you want to beat a drug test, you would do just as well to buy a magic potion.
When it comes to the drug testing flushes, washes, cleanses, or whatever marketing crap name they want to call it – it’s hogwash, mere fantasy, and plain old bull. Instead of taking a GNC flush, try this for equal chance of success: take your money and light it on fire. I guarantee that if you don’t beat the test, at least you’ll get a little warmth.
If you’re slick enough to sneak in some bleach to the bathroom with you when you go for a drug test, or the testing company is dumb enough to leave some cleaning agents in the bathroom, you might consider slipping some into your sample to oxidize the drugs. Hydrogen Peroxide works, too. Perfect system, right?
Wrong. We test for adulterants. Not a good idea at all. Next!
What drugs can be detected in a drug test?
Pretty much any drug can be detected. Cocaine, marijuana, heroin, speed, opiates, oxycontin. And also, ecstasy, molly, bath salts, suboxone, benzo’s, and more. These are some of the most common tests:
- 5 panel urine drug test – $75
- 10 panel urine drug test – $89
- 12 panel urine drug test – $149
- 5 panel hair follicle drug test – $175
Second hand smoke
Second only to the excuse of, “My dog ate my homework,” is the well worn lie of, “I didn’t smoke, I was at a party where people were smoking.” How do I know that this is always a lie? Because your body can’t produce the metabolites that are detected in a drug test for unless you actually ingested the drug. That’s true for a hair test or a urine test. Having the smoky smell of marijuana in your hair doesn’t mean the drug is in your hair. Think about it: if you get a BBQ smell in your hair when you pass the shish kebob man on the street, does that mean you have shish kebob in your hair?
Mike Tyson recently bragged about using the Whizzinator to beat drug tests throughout his career. It’s a nifty tool. A jockstrap with a prosthetic, and a heating device on the hip to hold clean urine and keep it warm. The problem is, the brilliant makers of this device also had a knack for boastfulness, advertising online that it could be used to be a DOT drug test. The feds were not pleased. When a truck driver killed a child while under the influence of drugs, despite him having passed a recent drug test, it came to light that he beat the test by using the Whizzinator.
Ultimately, the manufacturers of this device went to jail, and production was shut down. DOT changed all their regs for “observed” testing – the kind of testing where a collector has to actually watch you pee. Prior to this, the collector only had to watch the pee coming out of the body and into the cup. And the Whizzinator, which fit over the man’s real penis, and apparently came in a variety of colors and sizes, was impossible to recognize. Since then, at every observed DOT drug test, the donor must drop his pants to his knees, raise his shirt above the navel, and do a 360 degree turn. This seemingly unbelievable practice has survived various court challenges. The feds are not playing around when it comes to safety, and their commitment to get drug users off the road, the rails, and the sky.
If you’re not a professional athlete, truck driver, or pilot, you might still get away with using the Whizz. But then, it’s been years since they were made, so good luck with that…
The best way to beat a drug test
Don’t use drugs. Plain and simple. Works every time. Free. Easy to understand. And, no hangovers.
But if you did use marijuana, and you have a drug test coming up, you should read this infographic about How Long Marijuana Lasts in Your System.
Still Have Questions?
Ask me on Twitter: @healthstreet